Tree sitters to be brought down in Berkley.

After a number of failed attempts to remove tree-sitters protesting a planned sports center, authorities are turning to animal control specialists to bring the protesters down.
“We’ve all seen when bears get into trees in residential neighborhoods,” said local sheriff Hans Daniels. “We’re going to do the same thing: bring out the dart guns and shoot those hippie fucks out of the trees.”
Daniels went on to add that unlike with bears, no trampolines would be provided when protesters fell out of the trees. “We’ve asked them repeatedly to leave,” said Daniels. “Bears can’t understand, but these granola hoarders certainly can and they’ve had their chance to leave.” The Sheriffs department has made it very clear that broken necks, arms, hips, legs, ribs, ass-bones, “or any other bone for that matter” could not be held against authorities.
The protesters have been living in the trees since December. Yesterday, food supplies were cut to protesters, and attempts early this morning to send Cliff Bars attached to raccoons were thwarted when the raccoons abandoned their mission to scavenge in trash cans.
At 9:15 this morning, work crews on cranes moved into the oak grove, limbs were chopped from trees, and scaffolding built to help the tree-sitters come down. Authorities hoped for a “speedy and safe end to this ugly bit of Berkeley history,” but by noon it was clear that protestors wouldn’t be leaving.
By 12:30, UC spokesman George Dogulom wrenched the bullhorn from police hands to deliver an impassioned rant to protesters. “Listen here you privileged, liberal fucks! Who the hell do you think you are? The fucking Lorax? You’re a bunch of upper-class white kids with dreadlocks! Your women don’t shave and you don’t use soap! We’re going to put this gymnasium in and so help me god, when you come down from those trees, I’ll personally beat every single one of you with my bare fists.”
In response, a series of nasty slurs came back from the treetops. While most were inaudible, the calls of “capitalist pig,” “republican prick,” and “douche-bag” were the most heavily repeated.
Dogulom was visibly shaken by the verbal barrage, and quickly ordered the protestors to be shot out of the trees with tranquilizer darts.
“We think it’s a great idea,” said Danny Black, one of the sports centers developers. “Get those goddamn kids out of the trees so we can build something people actually use.”
At 1:00 pm, Sheriff Daniels stated he was calling in the biggest, meanest animal catcher in the county. “Cooter knows exactly what to do in this situation,” said Daniels. “The man is an animal himself. Six-foot-eight. One eye. Sporadic hair growth all over his body. Cooter will have these liberal fagots out of those trees before sundown. And with extreme prejudice.”
Daniels continued on for eight minutes going over “Cooters” resume which included bare-knuckle boxing a kangaroo, oil-wrestling an alligator, single-handedly wiping out the black bear population in the area with only a bowie knife, and raping a male mountain lion.
“Cooter definitely sounds like the man for the job,” said Dogulom. “I can’t wait to see this beast of a man and what he does to those kids in those trees.”
No official comment has been made by the tree-sitters. But many speculate that when Cooter arrives, protesters will voluntarily surrender.
“Or face the consequences,” said Daniels as he creepily rubbed his hands on his flabby man-tits.