Oh how deep the deception runs!

I make the boy a delicious sandwich for lunch....

[it is necessary preface this all by saying that we're trying to teach him not to be a picky eater; which means we set one meal in front of him at each sitting, and that's all he gets. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't have to eat; but no swapping for something more desireable. It's been a bit trying, but maybe we're breaking him down.]

...By delicious sandwich, I mean grilled cheese. But not my mother's grilled cheese, which was mostly dense grainy bread, toasted, with a slice of half-melted cheddar draped over it. No, this is the one you remember from college. Buttered. On both slices. White bread. American cheese. Flip, flip, sizzle. Nice and brown. A little crispy. Melted just right.

Now granted, I did add a little extra to his sandwich. Finely minced cabbage and leftover green beans. The beans finely minced as well, just to be clear on that. Harmless! Nutritious, actually. I even tried a piece. Acceptable!

So I eat my sandwich and place his in front of him. Deciding to let the pure delight of true grilled cheese envelope him, I turn my attention to the Internet and some wonderfully nogin-noodling optical illusions. In the periphery, I see him chomping away. Quiety, I congratulate myself. None of this hollering and refusing to eat that we see when the boy's mother is around.

But of course, nothing is as simple as it seems.

Eventually I look up from my computer, having finished my sandwich and having become bored with the infantile optical illusions whose illusion is anything but optical. He is dutifully munching away, paying no apparent attention to me. I smile complacently. But then I look closer. Classic horror film moment. Punch in! Cue the strings!

There are still the same number of pieces of grilled cheese as when I placed them on his plate ten minutes earlier.

Upon subsequent observation, he seems to be studiously avoiding the pieces of sandwich and instead he is grabbing tiny crumbs from his plate and devouring them. Devouring them as if they were entire mouthfuls of sandwich. Tiny crumbs! Upon further inspection, he actually seems to just be grabbing nothing and devouring it as if it were entire mouthfuls of sandwich. Nothing!

Let me be clear on this. There's a 15 month old who can't put two words together, sitting in front of me, miming that he's picking up food, then placing his hand into his mouth and chewing air. He repeats this over and over and over again. He's trying to trick me into thinking that he's eating what I put in front of him. Trickery!

I stare at him. He looks straight ahead, then follows the progress of his "eating", taking the occasional glance around the room. Not giving anything away.

A cold shiver. Could this be my child? Barely 15 months old, and already showing a subterfuge more nefarious than that of a teenage girl? I am staring with literal waves of disbelief and fear washing through me. He happily continues his charade.

Finally, in horror, I remove the plate from in front of him and take him out of his high chair. I lift him up, look into his eyes and search for the source of this, for something to tell me it's not true, for some sign that this is not the beginning. Please tell me that the crumbs were just irresistibly tasty...

"Up!" he says.

I put him down carefully.

I watch as he toddles off in search of the satisfying crack of his toy wooden hammer and balls.

Oh how deep the deception runs!



posted by K.T.