The Happiest Place on Earth

On an unassuming, otherwise unremarkable street in downtown Milwaukee sits a cozy cafe-bar called Comet. The menu is extensive and includes a funkified list of sandwiches; my favorite, "The Leghorn" ($7.50), is an inspired combination of pulled chicken, red onion, cream cheese, tomato, cucumber, and peach jelly between two slices of multi-grain toast. Given the overwhelming preponderance of bead/hemp necklaces and long-underwear-sleeves-beneath-black-t-shirts in the place, meat-substitute options abound. Of these, the deep-fried vegan ribs ($9.50 full order/$6.50 half) are probably the most perplexing option, though the vegan Salisbury steak ($10) is a close second. By day, young alterna-midwesterners nestle in mismatched booths, clutch thick mugs of coffee with both hands and peruse the latest Onion headlines. By night, a red neon sign above the bar which reads "the club is open" illuminates the array of porcelain and stuffed animals that perch whimsically on the wooden shelf beneath it. To be sure, the tousled, affectionately angsty Milwaukeeans lining the bar recognize this line from the Guided by Voices' album "Alien Lanes."

But I stray. As is common practice for great bars nationwide, Comet boasts daily bar specials which are scrawled in multicolored chalk on a board hung by the kitchen. I've gone to Comet upon each return visit to Milwaukee since 2004, and these specials have never changed. Monday's special is $2 PBRs; Tuesday's is $3 Classic Cocktails. But my absolute favorite, and the inspiration for this post, is the Sunday night special: Free basket of bacon with $2.50 bar purchase.

Let's dissect that.
1. $2.50 purchase. In New York, I spend $2.50 at a bar just looking at the bartender. Asking for a glass of tap water costs me at least $5. So the $2.50 requirement here is pret-ty spectacular.
1. Free basket of bacon. This is not the cheap, 95% fat bacon you buy at Key Foods-- this is the crispy, thick-cut stuff that looks like it was hacked off the loin with a chisel. And it's not one piece, not a couple, but an entire basket. Free. Basket. Free. Gratis. Everybody got that?

Now let's all take a trip to Milwaukee. We can stay with my mom.

(N.B.: I partook in this special one night with my old friend Chris several years ago. We drank martinis and devoured the bacon with our hands till all that remained was the grease-transparent wax paper lining the basket. I went home and slept soundly, but Chris claims the vodka-pork product combination gave him nightmares. Small price to pay, I say.)