doctor visit

Mr. Jansky, I have reviewed your medical history and what I must admit is a baffling array of gastrointestinal symptoms. I see you also have a history of cyclical depression—fascinating!—as well as a possible genetic predisposition to porphyria. How strange. Well anyway, it is my professional opinion that there is a tiny unicorn living in your colon, poking holes in your intestinal lining. This explains a lot, of course! That poor creature is sending negative vibes throughout your entire body, causing your general depression. I mean, who wouldn’t be grumpy at being trapped in someone’s colon? Ha! Plus it explains all of the blood. As soon as it is removed I’m sure that you will start to feel much better! Of course, we’ll have to make sure that we get to it before it reaches its rapid-growth phase into full maturity.

In light of this, I’ve scheduled you for the procedure tomorrow morning. Our regular unicorn-removal specialist is away on vacation in Fiji, but fortunately for you we have a visiting professional to take her place! He’s quite famous, actually, so you may have heard of him. He is Dr. Rubeus Hagrid, the gamekeeper at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and… I’m sorry? Oh, ha ha! You’re right, Mr. Jansky, I guess I don’t mean “Doctor” in the medical sense—more in an academic one, such as a Ph.D or some such. I mean, Rubeus is an instructor at a venerable magical academic institution—I’m sure that he has some sort of degree hanging on the wall of his yard hut! Of course, this hospital is very conscientious about the quality of specialists that it employs, and he is the most qualified expert in magical creatures that we know. I mean, we wouldn’t send just anyone into your colon to retrieve a unicorn!

This brings me to my next point: Dr. Hagrid is what we would call “old school”—that is, he prefers a very hands-on approach. Now, it took some doing, but we finally found a diving suit large enough to accommodate his half-giant physique. (Isn’t eBay amazing?) However, unfortunately our Miniaturization Machine is out of service and the microtechnologist who usually maintains it has disappeared. But don’t worry! We’re still on for tomorrow. We’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way—with the Wedge and a little elbow grease… Oh, no, don’t worry. It’s not as bad as it sounds! It’s more like a shoe-horn, really… Magic, you say? Well, yes, I suppose magic could be employed to shrink him down to the appropriate size, but unfortunately that procedure is not covered by your HMO. However, do not despair! I have checked your policy and it does cover massive amounts of anesthesia and tranquilizers, so you’ll be all set.

7 a.m. tomorrow, then? Fantastic. Have a nice afternoon, Mr. Jansky!